Decisions, Decisions

So, it's been a long time since I've posted anything here, and with good reason...it's hard to type when all your fingers have been crushed in an industrial accident, and it's hard to see a computer screen when you've been blinded with battery acid. It's also hard to feel the keyboard when you have a rare degenerative neuromuscular disease, and even harder if that disease began with the bite of an infected rodent which unexpectedly gnawed off part of your frontal lobe, making it very difficult to keep track of what you are supposed to be doing from moment to moment.

Oh, wait, I thought the title of this post was "Excuses, Excuses." I suppose I'll save all that for another day, then, and talk about what's been happening lately which has prompted me to write.

My academic turning points generally come without much warning. I was preparing for pharmacy school when Caleb got sick and I felt like I should go into nursing instead. Applications were due only a couple months after he died, and the only school I applied to was Weber State. After I got my RN, I took the summer off and then decided I should go for my BSN. I found out that BYU-Idaho had an application deadline a week later for a January start, applied, was rejected (and let me tell you, THAT was a shock - I had never been rejected for anything before that I could remember) and then received notice that more spots had opened and I was accepted after all. I graduated this last April and had my eye on a Master's degree, but none of the schools seemed right at the time; Alison did some hunting online and discovered that Westminster had an application deadline coming up for their MSN program and that they cater to working nurses. I scrambled to turn in my application and get all my recommendation letters and background checks and drug test arranged, then was called in for an interview.

I prepared for the interview by avoiding thinking too hard about it; there were a few questions I was dreading because they are so hard to answer. Why do you want to be a nurse practitioner? Why should we consider you before other qualified applicants? What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses? Of course, they all came up, along with a few curveballs, but the interview went well and a couple of weeks later I found out I had been accepted. So, I'm off to nursing school for the third (and hopefully last) time.

Here's where the title of the post comes in. Ever since I graduated from nursing school (the first time) and started working as a nurse, I have loved having nursing students work with me. I love answering questions and watching that light turn on when they make connections and understand things in a different way. I try to be the nurse who takes time to make sure they understand not just what they are supposed to do, but why. Since I started working at SDCH, I have had that opportunity many times, and I have thought that it would be very rewarding to be a clinical instructor. That dream was out of reach because it is only available to nurses with an MSN, or who are currently working on an MSN. I mentioned that in my interview (I'm not sure in response to which question) and was enthusiastic enough about it that one of the interviewers said I sounded perfect for the MSN-Ed program. The problem, as I told her, is that I am passionate about teaching, but I don't do well in a formal teaching situation. I don't picture myself enjoying structured lesson plans and the rigors of a structured academic setting. So, I declined, but told her that I wold love to explore becoming a clinical instructor this fall.

Well, it turns out that that interviewer is the undergraduate Med/Surg instructor, and she is in charge of the undergraduate clinical program. She only did three interviews for this year's admits (including mine), and she told me to look her up if I was admitted. I called after I got notice that I had been accepted, and she asked for us to meet, which we did; in short, she recommended me for the clinical instructor opening they have for this fall, and after a meeting with the dean I was hired.

The interviews were interesting for a couple of reasons. For one, I am not used to the treatment I received during those two meetings. I felt like I was being approached not as an immature student (as was so often the case at WSU, for example), but as a peer. There was no condescension, and it was almost shocking afterward to realize that I was thought well enough of to be offered a teaching position after just twenty minutes of total interview time. I know I present myself well in interview situations, but it almost seemed like a trick at first.

The problem is that ever since that interview I've had this nagging feeling that I'm making a mistake. The dean was very open about the fact that graduate school is not like the Bachelor's program, and that I should be sure I won't overextend myself and that I have enough of a support system to handle the strain. I will be dropping down to three days a week at work starting in September, but I'll have class all day on Wednesdays, so essentially doing the clinical rotation would leave me with no full days to dedicate just to study. But, on the other hand, I talked to a (CNA) clinical instructor at work and she said you have plenty of study time while you are there. I spent a week thinking about the pro/con list and it seemed to about event out, but that nagging feeling was still there.

Anyway, it's time to digress for a story. A long time ago, a separatist/reformist group called the Waldensians was formed in the Piemonte region of Italy. Their headquarters today are still there, in a little town called Torre Pellice. LDS missionaries worked there for a time, but haven't been there for many years. Anyway, while I was at the MTC I met Anziano Collings, who was my district leader. I consider him to be one of the greatest people I have ever met, one with whom I have felt lucky to associate. While I was on my mission, President Henderson announced that a pair of missionaries would be sent to Torre Pellice to reopen the city for missionary work. Anz. Collings ended up there. It was an exciting time for all of us in the mission. During our next round of interviews with President Henderson, he told me that the Lord intended for one of two things to happen: either I would be sent to Toree Pellice to work with Anz. Collings, or I would be made a zone leader. He told me, essentially, that it was up to me to decide which I should do. I could think of nothing which would make me happier than to go to Torre Pellice with one of my favorite people, but I knew that the Lord intended for me to make the other choice, that it was where I could do the most good. When I told President Henderson this, he gave a knowing sort of nod and I became a zone leader soon thereafter.

I have had similar feelings in relation to the clinical instructor position. Ever since last Monday when I accepted the job I've had this nagging feeling that I shouldn't do it. It's one of my goals in life, and something I know I'd love, but as I was talking it over with a few people I just couldn't come to any solid conclusions. I had a long conversation with Alison about this yesterday and when we were done talking I realized that I already knew what the answer was, I just didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to defer this long-desired goal if it was within reach. But, after I decided to turn down the position the inner turmoil subsided, and after I call the dean's secretary (the dean herself was out of town) I felt peaceful about it. Actually, I felt a strong enough "you've made the right decision" confirmation that I almost cried, but it was bittersweet. It looks like I'll be waiting until I have my MSN before I'll be able to have a clinical group; perhaps in the interim there will be some impromptu teaching moments in my path.

Is it a bad thing, I wonder, that I accept these things with remorse? It indicates to me that my level of trust could use some improvement. Is this resistance indicative of personal progress to be made, or is it just a part of the mortal condition with which we all must cope? Either way, I figure that the important thing right now is that I am willing to accept my course, even if at first I am stubborn about it.