I was invited by a friend to go to a movie at midnight last night/this morning, which movie shall remain unnamed. When I mentioned it to my wife she said, "Isn't that rated R?" Well, the thing was, I wasn't sure whether it was or not. What I was sure of was that I trusted this friend of mine and was fairly sure he or she would not have invited me to a movie of the bad sort. So, I accepted. I knew enough about the movie and its stars to know I would be interested in seeing it, but not much more than that.
The thing is, I had plenty of warnings from my friend HG Wells (not his real name). First there was the thought that I should check just to be sure what the rating was. That I reasoned my way out of successfully by thinking maybe they played different versions of the movie in different markets, so even if it were rated R somewhere else perhaps it wouldn't be here. I knew it was a ridiculous idea. But, I didn't check and knew even at the time why I didn't.
I arrived at the theater in SLC at about 11:30 pm and took my ticket from my friend, who had paid my way. It had a great big letter R on it (a scarlet R, I think retrospectively). HG says to me, "you know, it's not too late not to go. You know it's R now, you could pay for the ticket and leave or go to something else and not have any hurt feelings." Well, I thought, she's already bought the ticket. Maybe it will just have one scene in it, and I can close my eyes or something.
(Isn't it amazing, the sort of crappy reasoning Satan can let you get by with?)
After that we sat in the theater and waited. For 30 minutes. Minutes in which I thought about my Sunday School class full of teenagers to whom I constantly emphasize the importance of doing nothing which would offend Mr. Wells. Minutes in which I analyzed the probable consequences of doing nothing - including the just-mentioned giving of offense, the effects on myself of premeditated transgression, and my resulting less-powerfulness should my power be needed.
Then, I stayed in my seat and watched. At first there was some way to think that there was just that one scene (the one with all the F-Bombs in it) that had caused the R rating. Countless slayings and flying pieces of anatomy lesson later, any possible justification was gone and I was left to myself.
I thought on the way home about why I didn't do what I knew I should, and what the friendly Mr. Wells had been telling me, and why I ignored him. I came to several conclusions. The first is that I was curious. Would R-rated violence really be that much worse than PG-13 violence? (It was.) Would the effects on myself spiritually really be that bad? (They were.) Wouldn't the thrill of great action scenes outweigh the sick feeling I knew I would have? (Partially, I'll admit.)
Secondly, I had this Herodian problem of wanting to look good to them who sat with me at meat. I didn't want this friend, whom I respect, to think I didn't trust his or her judgment. What?! Am I still 14? I thought I was over that little peer pressure hurdle. Another great hypocrisy moment for the teacher of youth.
Thirdly, I was interested in doing the forbidden. Even if I have been using only a self-imposed filter and control, I still had the natural man attraction to sin pushing me forward.
As I drove home trying to pretend Mr. Wells would just come back and give me a hug right after I had ignored his advice, I thought about these conclusions and what I could learn from them. As someone who has done my fair share of repentance, I thought I understood enough to avoid situations like this. The contrast between driving with and without Mr. Wells was striking enough that it was very easy to see after the fact that whatever brief pleasure I may have found in going to the movie came nowhere close to outweighing the remorse and sickness I felt. I need to be more vigilant.
So, I guess in conclusion I will say that I feel I learned a bit about myself from this experience. Also, how do I face my class on Sunday knowing I didn't do what I have been teaching them to do? It seems like it could be a great teaching moment if I tell them about it. I'm prepared to see the speed bump in the rearview, forgive myself and move on
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5 comments:
Don't tell them, and consider it a good lesson learned. I had to learn it myself also, and I still can't get that one scene out of my mind after at least 15 years. I will not watch R rated movies because I know what they will do to ME, and I want me to do that best I can to follow the Prophet's counsel.
Jordan, I could never think ill of you. And I would never let anyone else think ill of you. It was originally advertised as PG-13 though I did know it was Rated R. I am sorry. It was much worse than I fathomed as well in terms of graphic senseless violence and language as well.
My advice is yours: don't waste time miserating over time wasted or mistakes made. Move forward. That being said, you are a great man Jordan and I think highly of you for this post and for your thoughts on this movie.
forgive me?
@Singletonmd:
Of course. I didn't let it taint my overall very high opinion of you. In other news, please come up sometime for a drive-in movie.
will do!
In the end I think the important thing is that you learned something and it will change your actions in the future. I have these moments as well but it usually comes from lingering on thoughts too long. It is harder for me to get away from them as I can't stand and leave the screen.
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