I debated for a while about whether to post anything today. I can't think of anything really to say. I guess what I'm feeling today is the awful transition from missing what was to missing what could have been. I'm so used to thinking about the brief time I had with my son and how much I miss him as a baby that I haven't given much thought to what he would have been like as a child. I can't believe we just reached his seventh birthday. It feels like time is just flying by.
I have tried to remember him the best I know how, which is usually in private thoughts. Clara will flash a smile and look just like one of Caleb's pictures, or I'll suddenly realize how much time has gone by and look at other people's kids and think, Caleb would be that big by now. I don't feel angry exactly, or cheated, just...I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering today what it would be like to talk with him and hear his little voice talking back to me. I wonder what it would be like to come home and have four little angels excited to see me. I wonder what it would be like to be guiding a little boy through first grade. I was thinking today about reading books and imagined Caleb sitting beside me on the couch reading to me and the image was so clear, and all the sudden I was back in reality and feeling a little emptier than before.
Caleb's legacy for me is alive in how I treat my other children, in the little extra effort I try to make (often unsuccessfully) to be a little gentler with them than I feel like I am capable of, in deciding (not often enough) that I really do have time to chase or play superheroes or tell stories, in extra hard and extra long squeezes and kisses on the cheek and eating of tummies. And yet, every time I go to his grave I feel like I need to apologize for not quite being the dad I know I am capable of, for hoping that I will be with him again but having doubts about my capacity to reach the place where he is.
Caleb, you changed me completely. I love you and I miss you and I hope you are busy where you are but not too busy to look down on me sometimes and give me a little push to be better, and happier, and more content to make the most of the few precious moments I have to share on earth with the wonderful gifts God has given me.
5 comments:
That was beautiful Jordan.
A beautiful tribute to a beautiful child.
That was lovely Jordan.
Do not doubt your capacity to reach him; I don't. I was talking to a friend about Caleb a few days ago. I realize that in my mind's eye I see him as a five year old and I often picture him walking hand in hand with Grandpa Johnsen and Roberts through a field. I see them stop to look at plants or animals. I see Grandpa Johnsen teaching about the marimba or Grandpa Roberts teaching him about trains. I still feel the loss of what might have been, especially when school begins or his birthday comes.
Jordan, you're not supposed to make me cry! You are a great dad with beautiful children, all!
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